How My GAS is Helping Me Through the COVID-19 Lockdown

New Basement Setup
Main setup where the guitars should be resting when not in use

GAS, or Guitar Acquisition Syndrome is a seemingly not-so-serious condition that afflicts guitar players, but those in their circle will vehemently disagree that it is a not-so-serious condition.  GAS describes the state in which a guitar player’s dopamine levels rise exceedingly fast and trigger states of consciousness that usually results in permanent cognitive dissonance disassociation, or the inability to control one’s own impulsiveness with acquiring guitars.  This occurs almost always at the sight of another guitar or even a photo of a guitar.

In the medical community, it is not yet agreed upon whether gas is a syndrome, condition, or disorder as no mention of this form of GAS appears in the DSM-5 (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders)

Those afflicted by GAS actually benefit from this and appear to be more aloof when they are around their guitars or even the guitars of others.  In order to resolve any tension (pun intended), guitar players place their guitars around the house so they maintain feelings of bliss and solace.

Following are photos I took this morning before tidying up.  You’ll notice no guitar appears twice.

Early On-Set Symptoms

The first antagonist is the mere acquisition of a new guitar.  GAS doesn’t affect single people.  At the start of a romantic relationship with, say, a new “girlfriend”, if the new “boyfriend” already owns more than one guitar, then this doesn’t mean he has gas.  GAS begins at the next purchase of an unneeded guitar since the start of a relationship.  I hope this makes sense because GAS is complex.

Early on-set can be noticed before the “second” guitar purchase if there are signs of guitar plectrums (picks) or other accessories sprawled randomly throughout the house in innocuous places such as the dining room table.

Full Flatulence Gas (stratocaster infinititis)

Though I have had gas since I was 12, I am not ashamed to talk about it, nor to seek help.  Like everyone else, I have my good days and my bad days.  Following are photos I took this morning before tidying up.  You’ll notice no guitar appears twice.

New Basement Setup
Main setup where the guitars should be resting when not in use
Danelectro 12 String at the Top of the Stairs
Yes, that’s a Danelectro 12 String at the Top of the Stairs
Squire in the Toilet
Indeed, a red Squire in the Toilet
Half a Guitar
Half a Guitar

FFG also exhibits additional symptoms such as parts and accessories, and countless plectrums.

Where the Picks Are Supposed to Stored When Not in Use
Where the Picks Are Supposed to Stored When Not in Use
Plectrum Storage Appliance (inside view)
Plectrum Storage Appliance (inside view)
Guitar Pick on the Dining Room Table
Guitar Pick on the Dining Room Table
Guitar Pick in the Washing Machine
Guitar Pick in the Washing Machine
A Guitar Pick by the Bedside Table
A Guitar Pick by the Bedside Table
More Guitar Picks on the Living Room Coffee Table
More Guitar Picks on the Living Room Coffee Table

Risks of Visiting Someone You Know Who Suffers from Gas

While it is estimated that approximately 50% of all guitar players may have gas and not know it, the exact number of people who have died or been injured is still not known but likely to be low or nil.

However, those with small children under the age of three should be aware of some of the risks of choking or strangulation.  Young boys are especially susceptible and likely to get injured by getting poked in the eye by an uncut string when running too quickly to a guitar and tripping over a patch cord and knocking it over

Poorly grounded, or floating ground amplifiers may also introduce the risk of electric shock, but this is unlikely as any guitarist who’s been zapped usually rectifies it damn quickly and Barres it from happening again.

About Grasshopper James 28 Articles
Hi I'm Grasshopper James from Montreal. Welcome to my blog and thanks for visiting. I've been rocking it here since 2007 with my Fender Stratocaster American Standard, Fender Telecaster American Standard, Fender Blues Deluxe '57 Reissue, Ibanez TS9, Boss TU-3, Boss ME-25, Boss GT-3, Boss OD-1, Ernie Ball Slinky 10-46, Jim Dunlop Jazz III Pick, and a Parkwood PW-510.

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